Singles are entertaining solo acts — Relationships are great: you get self-expression, consistent support, and reality checks. But it doesn’t make you interesting. Single people have to get other people to like them. It’s their gift, their curse. They have to let out their weirdness onto others. They’re a mix of contradictions: weird yet quirky, distant…

Friendship, Parents, and Squirrel Face — Dear Diary, I learned something yesterday. I’m perfect, and none of this is my fault. I get mad and say things I regret because other people make me mad. They know better. Or, they know better and do it to get me mad and look stupid. They’re bullies. Stupid bullies! …

Why do people fall for losers? You know them: unemployed, toxic, and borderline abusive. Maybe I get it now. — “Your cat hates me!” I said. “He’s part of the deal,” my new girlfriend repeated. Things got worse, and today, we moved in together. I was trapped with him. He was good-looking, indifferent, and in control. I tried to pet him, you know, rise above the occasion. He slid away…

My Predictably Unpredictable Friend — Never leave fifteen-year-old boys unattended in a 5-star resort. They’ll find fun things to do. My friends and I found a group of high school girls. We didn’t care that we spoke different languages. Our hormones were calling and buying the shots. We were unsupervised in a third-world country and…

“How could you?!” I roared at the pathetic human chewing its food. It stood there frozen, staring at me, terrified. It had never seen a talking cow. “You have some nerve… eating THAT here… in front of US! We’re living, caring, wonderful creatures, and we deserve respect. Enough is enough!” …

An acceptance speech from this year’s Worst Best Friend — Wow! I can’t believe I am the worst best friend of the year! I wish I prepared a speech. Thank you very much to the esteemed judges and the other honorary candidates for… finally coming to your senses! As you know, I didn’t hook up with my best friend’s significant…

I write stuff to make you laugh — About Me Call me Vic. Victor is my father. Vic is short for — a basketball player. Basketball was my first love, and I played professionally in Peru & Ecuador nine years ago. I retired when I took a long hard look at myself and accepted that I’m 5’9”. My writing output…

Primitive bullies use physical force. Advanced bullies use words. You’re stupid! You’re annoying! You’re fat! You’re ugly! Nobody likes you! It was just a joke! Those are classics, but my bully added a new phrase to the arsenal: Common Sense. When I disagree, I don’t have common sense. When I…

Few people get to pick their first name, but I did — Growing up, I hated my name. Victor sounded like a loser’s name. As a foreign boy that watched too much TV, I wanted a cool name like Jason, Joey, or Goku. If Elon Musk can get creative with it, why couldn’t my mother? Why Victor? When my mom was pregnant…